random thoughts

If I were given a pen and paper and asked to jot down anything that’s on my mind, no one can predict what the story could be like, not even me could predict which direction it will flow. Random thoughts are just nice but once it piles up then you know its time to sort it out because it is actually hurt at some point. One time I could be thinking about the sky and the other time I could be thinking about the earth. I always thought that it could be outstanding to have such thoughts but then if you kept holding it to yourself it could leave you scars. Like you thought it’s gonna be okay, it’s gonna be fine but you’re not.

Bila hati terlalu resah tapi hanya mampu simpan tak terkata, takpe aku kuat, aku boleh, boleh. Tapi tetap akan rasa lemah bilamana mengadap tuhan. Hati kecil meronta-ronta menjerit ya Allah aku sebenarnya insan yang sangat lemah dan kerdil. Aku tak mampu nak bergerak melangkah dengan hati yang berat ni, tak mampu untuk menampung kesedihan ini seorang diri.

That’s when you know sebenarnya Allah sayang diri ni, Allah sangat sayang diri ni wahai kamu, kerana apa, kerana Allah takkan bagi rasa perasaan ini melainkan hanya untuk hamba ni merintih mengingat kembali kepada Sang Pencipta. Barangkali tuhan merindui suara dan tangisan kamu merayu hanya pada Allah sahaja. Adakah ia disebabkan kita sering alpa dan leka.

There is one time that I felt sesak sangat dada ni, lemah kaki tak boleh bernafas and I don't know why exactly it happens, tapi waktu tu suddenly rasa macam my tears gonna burst anytime sooner. So I tried to calm down myself and breath properly. Kebetulan masa tu memang dah masuk waktu solat and pergilah terus amik wudhu untuk solat. Waktu solat tu memang Allah sahaja yang tahu rasa beban tu seperti diringankan, hati kembali tenang. Air mata mengalir laju mengadu pada Allah bahawa hati kecil ni tak kuat cuma mampu berharap padaMu. Usai solat terus tertidur, bangun-bangun rasa dah tenang.

I have read Aida Azlin’s love letters and she said that you could feel lonely at times but it is only right to fill that hole in the heart not by depending on someone but only to Allah.

“My heart needed its Creator, but I kept filling it up with His Creations instead”

She was right! The more you fill up that gap with duaniawis, it doesn’t help you to end the loneliness. Just like drinking salt water, the more you drink saltwater the more thirsty you are. That explains everything why that little heart of mine felt empty inside. I was searching for the wrong place all this while. 

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